Late-night feels like always

I'm always so angry these days, at everything and nothing.  It really stresses me out, and it stresses out the people I'm around, and the fact that they need to tiptoe around me REALLY stresses me out.  I feel like I'm constantly operating at either a 10 or a 2, and if u catch me at the wrong time, watch the fuck out, because I'm going to be really mean to you and really unpleasant in general

It doesn't help that I don't much like or respect the people I'm with ~25% of literally every day.

I guess I'll make a list of things I'm perpetually angry about

• Stupid stupid stupid stupid people with their stupid shit and how I have to deal with all of it on a daily basis at this stupid stupid stupid school
• How inferior I feel to my friends not at such a stupid school
• My increasing fears of inadequacy
• How I don't know who I am without my diagnosis (diagnoses?)
• The fucking KOREAN ENTERTAINMENT STUDENT ASSOCIATION WHICH IS RUN BY FUCKING NON-KOREANS AT MY STUPID FUCKING SCHOOL
• That I feel like I can't complain about that bc the non-Koreans who run it happen to be Asian, and Southeast Asian at that, and Koreans can be really oppressive to Southeast Asians.  I feel like I deserve my anger about this, and I deserve to speak it, but nobody wants to hear it, ever.
• That I wish we were still together
• That I still love her
• How my life is so much more put together than it ever has been, but I still feel like I'm going nowhere
• How I'm more fucked up now than I have any right to be
• That I feel like I'm killing myself in increments

I have no idea why these past few weeks have taken such a sharp downturn.  I never just feel okay.  I'm constantly on the brink of ruining something or yelling at someone, always catching up, always angry, always upset, always confused, always struggling, always scaring someone, always inadequate

I overloaded myself with obligations and leadership stuff and all this other shit because I wanted to fill my time with activities to avoid always just listening to music alone or watching tv with my roommate/best school friend or smoking so many cigarettes or sitting in my car doing any number of those things, and I was tired of looking for people to fill my time with, but I don't know how it's going to work out.  I hate this.  I know I'm capable of it, but I don't think I enjoy being just fucking on all the time.  Some people can do it, some people need to do it just to survive, I think I can do it if it comes down to survival -- but I hate it and I hate myself when I'm doing it.  Especially with leadership stuff -- I hate the person I become when I'm managing people.  But whenever I take on a project, esp. one I care about though that's not necessary, I just ASSUME managerial duties because I doubt the abilities of the people I work with.  Which tends to be a well-founded fear here, because most of the people I've met here are just fucking incapable.  Which just feeds into my destructive need to control everything at all times.

I wish I could just stop and have some home somewhere far from the city and the suburb, somewhere I can take long walks and watch a lot of Netflix and take care of a lot of animals so I don't need to take care of myself, do lots of folk crafts, write in notebooks that I toss in boxes after I fill them up, read Harlequin romances and Jeffrey Eugenides and some poetry only, grow my hair to my feet

Late-night feels

I feel so BONDED and CONNECTED w my fellow woman (n fellow girl) lately.  It's really such a beautiful feeling and subversive, somehow, as if by loving rather than judging other women I'm refusing to play into bullshit patriarchal norms??  Which is true--girl love (not lesbianism, tho that too) is subversive and dangerous to the patriarchy.

I'm growing completely uninterested in men, n even masculine non-binary ppl, and what they have to say.  I am DANGEROUSLY WOMAN n DANGEROUSLY FEMININE n I love ppl who are those things, sincerely, unapologetically, insincerely, apologetically, all the way, any way, in whatever capacity.  Women are wonderful.  I realize this is a really basic feminist thing, but I've only just started to grasp it, and it's changing my whole world around.  I mean, I've ~always~ hated men, but this is new, this complete n untinged love I feel for women, and it makes me feel wonderful and whole.

But--it's also 3:20 AM and I have half a book to read before tomorrow afternoon for French lit????  So I'll stop here.

Hello again

I am no longer a "Newly hopeful data entry clerk farting way thru life, love, the written word," hence the name change.  It's been about 5 months since I last posted and a lot's been going on.  I don't want to talk about it, or at least not yet.

I wanted to start writing here again because 1) it was an excuse to write before, and it can be an excuse to write again, 2) it's so nice to write without worrying about form or anything like that, 3) blogs are nice and I'd forgotten that, and 4) I'm starting to experience those shifts in identity again that motivated me to start using blogspot with Ritu back in 2012 or whenever it was.

My "mentor" w PIP told me to apply for a job at the LGBTWRC today (a job which hasn't even been posted - ze was just giving me some insider knowledge) and said I was hardworking.  I was trying to think, and I don't think I've ever been called that in my entire life.  I'm not hardworking.  I do nothing most of the time.  I think if you looked at how much I actually worked last semester, it'd amount to some ridiculous, embarrassing number.  Probably less than 24 hours.  But I did really well, because I'm a big fish in a fucking puddle, and I'm getting a lot of responsibilities.

1) QnA officership, with the current leader pressuring me to take hir place next year (which I really, really don't want to do).
2) KSJS social media stuff, which I feel pressured to step up, because I've been slacking and they don't really like me any more.
3) This potential new job at the LGBTWRC
4) Other things

I'm not used to having this much on my plate, at least in terms of self-motivation and time/resource management.  I'm having a much easier time now than I did when Rachel and I were kicked out, of course, but it's harder to motivate myself and keep sane when it's not as... dire.  All that's on the line is my reputation now, not housing or food for myself and my lover.  Basically: I don't do shit.  I put in no effort, but because of my previously-earned experience or talent, everything turns out fine, or better than fine, and people think I'm some kind of wonder.  But again, big fish.

So I've been thinking about how that person called me hardworking.  Am I really hardworking if I'm just coasting and reaping rewards?  How does that qualify as hardworking?  A big part of my depression/self-hate/negative self-talk is how fucking lazy and worthless I am/perceive myself to be.  What if I could continue to convince others that I'm hardworking?  Even if I don't really try?  At what point does it stop being a charade?  Because I definitely feel like it's a charade right now.  What if I can just keep riding this wave, preparing myself slowly to take on more and more responsibility, and eventually become hardworking?  Earn it?  When can I say it's really who I am, rather than who I'd like to be, or who I'm pretending to be?

Anyway, it's nice to think about how others might consider me hardworking.  I always assume that everyone knows what a lazy piece of shit I am.

It makes me happy for some reason that pseudo-profundity has become such the norm that a concept as truly stupid as this one is (or can be seen as) revolutionary, in a way

Stupidity overload is and always has been one of my favorite things

Things Evangelical Christianity Taught Me

• Human beings are unworthy of love
• I am unworthy of love
• Human beings in general are disgusting pieces of shit with no redeeming qualities
• I am a disgusting piece of shit with no redeeming qualities
• Anything intrinsic to human beings is vile, sinful, dirty
• Anything intrinsic to me is vile, sinful, dirty
• Because of all those things, human beings (despite being children of God) must be grateful for any kind of love, especially God's "perfect" love
• Because of all those things, I (despite being a child of God) must be grateful for any kind of love, especially God's "perfect" love
• Failing to feel and demonstrate this gratitude constitutes a "hardened heart" and is the only unforgivable sin (aka you go to hell if you think you deserve a parent's love)

I wish that the way I applied each of those tenets to myself as an individual was an illustrative tool to show the inherent flaws in that kind of thinking, but it's not.  These are things they hammer into you: you are worthless, you are disgusting, you do not deserve love, you do not deserve anything.  And you believe them, because they have their chokehold on you since birth and your self-worth is entirely determined by what your peers and leaders in that group think of you.  Or they caught you at an extremely emotionally vulnerable time -- say, while you were in a psychiatric hospital after multiple suicide attempts -- and this new identity you forge with them becomes the only one you don't associate with suicide/depression

Except that these ideas are central to the same fallacious thinking that leads/contributes to/keeps you in depression and other kinds of depressive and personality disorders especially present in assault survivors, so you have people going up to "testify God's love" about how worthless they are and how the only value they have is the one they find in the redemption of some invisible savior's approval, talking about how they are worthless, how their rape was their fault, how they need to face their inadequacies, all of the things they did wrong, and you have everyone in the audience clapping and crying and congratulating you for being so brave as to say all those things.  And the kicker is that they'll even shame you for seeking psychiatric help - if you were a good enough Christian, God's love would be enough - if you were a good enough Christian, you wouldn't even be depressed right now - when I became a Christian, my drug addictions suddenly disappeared - look at that great Christian girl, she used to be a lesbian but now she loves God - we love you, God loves you, but you're disgusting and vile and here are all the fucking things you need to fix - etc

I've always always struggled with self-worth, so it's not like these ideas were planted in me at that church (and all the other ones I was dragged to in my childhood), but the culture of shame and self-hatred I found there went a long way in reinforcing and validating them

I am a queer woman of color and the survivor of assault and abuse so I really don't need anyone else telling me that I am worthless

Meta-moment: I never realized how much I hated Evangelical Christianity, how much I resented it, how toxic that culture of shame is, until I had to watch someone else being consumed alive by it all and holy shit I am helpless to do anything for her because she is so paralyzed by all the lies they are feeding her

Tangentially: they teach all these things to children as young as five

I feel like people should be sf disgusted with themselves and ashamed if they eat Chik Fil A, esp if they have LGBT friends???  Like if I supported a company that actively oppressed my friends I'd be a sobbing sack of shit when someone found out.  Don't understand how you can broadcast that shit on social media

I had a really stupid dream about spaceships and stuff but right as it was drawing to a close, I met someone from Korea, and she gave me this envelope, and before I even held it in my hands I knew it was from my grandma from before she died, and I just started crying as I was opening it. The envelope was really thick and it said the name of a church on the outside and it had my grandpas face on it, idfk.  I woke up bc I was crying, but it was weird - I was going thru the motions of rly bad crying but no tears were coming out. And then I thought about how I would never talk to her again, she wouldn't write me a letter ever again, that money she left me was the last thing she ever gave me, she didn't leave a note for me because she was too weak by the end and she hadn't had the foresight to write one when she'd had the strength, I'll never get advice from her again, I'll never ignore her well-intentioned words again, that dream scenario will never happen in real life and the only communication/interaction I'm going to have with her in the future will presumably be in dreams, if that, idk. And now I'm still crying

Told my mom, who's been really depressed thru this whole thing, about it, and she didn't really react in any way except to tell me it was probably guilt?  Idk, I wish she'd hugged me or smth instead or just looked at me even

Also, I really wish I'd been able to stay asleep long enough to read what was in that envelope.  I mean, I'm never going to get an envelope from her again, probably not even in my dreams.  What was in that envelope???  Why the fuck couldn't I have just opened it and read what may have been my subconscious giving me closure (even though I wish it could have been my grandma speaking to me from beyond the veil or whatever)