Hello again

I am no longer a "Newly hopeful data entry clerk farting way thru life, love, the written word," hence the name change.  It's been about 5 months since I last posted and a lot's been going on.  I don't want to talk about it, or at least not yet.

I wanted to start writing here again because 1) it was an excuse to write before, and it can be an excuse to write again, 2) it's so nice to write without worrying about form or anything like that, 3) blogs are nice and I'd forgotten that, and 4) I'm starting to experience those shifts in identity again that motivated me to start using blogspot with Ritu back in 2012 or whenever it was.

My "mentor" w PIP told me to apply for a job at the LGBTWRC today (a job which hasn't even been posted - ze was just giving me some insider knowledge) and said I was hardworking.  I was trying to think, and I don't think I've ever been called that in my entire life.  I'm not hardworking.  I do nothing most of the time.  I think if you looked at how much I actually worked last semester, it'd amount to some ridiculous, embarrassing number.  Probably less than 24 hours.  But I did really well, because I'm a big fish in a fucking puddle, and I'm getting a lot of responsibilities.

1) QnA officership, with the current leader pressuring me to take hir place next year (which I really, really don't want to do).
2) KSJS social media stuff, which I feel pressured to step up, because I've been slacking and they don't really like me any more.
3) This potential new job at the LGBTWRC
4) Other things

I'm not used to having this much on my plate, at least in terms of self-motivation and time/resource management.  I'm having a much easier time now than I did when Rachel and I were kicked out, of course, but it's harder to motivate myself and keep sane when it's not as... dire.  All that's on the line is my reputation now, not housing or food for myself and my lover.  Basically: I don't do shit.  I put in no effort, but because of my previously-earned experience or talent, everything turns out fine, or better than fine, and people think I'm some kind of wonder.  But again, big fish.

So I've been thinking about how that person called me hardworking.  Am I really hardworking if I'm just coasting and reaping rewards?  How does that qualify as hardworking?  A big part of my depression/self-hate/negative self-talk is how fucking lazy and worthless I am/perceive myself to be.  What if I could continue to convince others that I'm hardworking?  Even if I don't really try?  At what point does it stop being a charade?  Because I definitely feel like it's a charade right now.  What if I can just keep riding this wave, preparing myself slowly to take on more and more responsibility, and eventually become hardworking?  Earn it?  When can I say it's really who I am, rather than who I'd like to be, or who I'm pretending to be?

Anyway, it's nice to think about how others might consider me hardworking.  I always assume that everyone knows what a lazy piece of shit I am.