Late-night feels like always

I'm always so angry these days, at everything and nothing.  It really stresses me out, and it stresses out the people I'm around, and the fact that they need to tiptoe around me REALLY stresses me out.  I feel like I'm constantly operating at either a 10 or a 2, and if u catch me at the wrong time, watch the fuck out, because I'm going to be really mean to you and really unpleasant in general

It doesn't help that I don't much like or respect the people I'm with ~25% of literally every day.

I guess I'll make a list of things I'm perpetually angry about

• Stupid stupid stupid stupid people with their stupid shit and how I have to deal with all of it on a daily basis at this stupid stupid stupid school
• How inferior I feel to my friends not at such a stupid school
• My increasing fears of inadequacy
• How I don't know who I am without my diagnosis (diagnoses?)
• The fucking KOREAN ENTERTAINMENT STUDENT ASSOCIATION WHICH IS RUN BY FUCKING NON-KOREANS AT MY STUPID FUCKING SCHOOL
• That I feel like I can't complain about that bc the non-Koreans who run it happen to be Asian, and Southeast Asian at that, and Koreans can be really oppressive to Southeast Asians.  I feel like I deserve my anger about this, and I deserve to speak it, but nobody wants to hear it, ever.
• That I wish we were still together
• That I still love her
• How my life is so much more put together than it ever has been, but I still feel like I'm going nowhere
• How I'm more fucked up now than I have any right to be
• That I feel like I'm killing myself in increments

I have no idea why these past few weeks have taken such a sharp downturn.  I never just feel okay.  I'm constantly on the brink of ruining something or yelling at someone, always catching up, always angry, always upset, always confused, always struggling, always scaring someone, always inadequate

I overloaded myself with obligations and leadership stuff and all this other shit because I wanted to fill my time with activities to avoid always just listening to music alone or watching tv with my roommate/best school friend or smoking so many cigarettes or sitting in my car doing any number of those things, and I was tired of looking for people to fill my time with, but I don't know how it's going to work out.  I hate this.  I know I'm capable of it, but I don't think I enjoy being just fucking on all the time.  Some people can do it, some people need to do it just to survive, I think I can do it if it comes down to survival -- but I hate it and I hate myself when I'm doing it.  Especially with leadership stuff -- I hate the person I become when I'm managing people.  But whenever I take on a project, esp. one I care about though that's not necessary, I just ASSUME managerial duties because I doubt the abilities of the people I work with.  Which tends to be a well-founded fear here, because most of the people I've met here are just fucking incapable.  Which just feeds into my destructive need to control everything at all times.

I wish I could just stop and have some home somewhere far from the city and the suburb, somewhere I can take long walks and watch a lot of Netflix and take care of a lot of animals so I don't need to take care of myself, do lots of folk crafts, write in notebooks that I toss in boxes after I fill them up, read Harlequin romances and Jeffrey Eugenides and some poetry only, grow my hair to my feet