The internet

Lots of things have happened since the last time I wrote, which is what I was supposed to use this blog for, to document milestones and stray thoughts and etc, and I haven't, so it really doesn't make sense to post this now, but I'm so upset that I'm not even going to fucking bother with grammar or paragraph form

I was just browsing Facebook, and I clicked on a link to a page because it looked funny, and basically it ruined my entire day
Girls joking about rape???  Boys threatening rape?????  No, full grown men threatening rape????????  On every single post on the page.  And not a single dissenting opinion anywhere

And I know that one Facebook page is such a tiny, tiny microcosm of the internet, but the thing is, this shit is everywhere.  You can't avoid it.  It just made me so
sad
but the only way to avoid feeling this sad is to completely shut myself off from the internet, the news, contemporary music, etc, and that's not practical in any way
So I guess I need to either "grow a thicker skin" and join the party or try to change things / "speak up for myself"?  Or I can try to stay in my little corner of the world and talk only to my friends and other like-minded people, and ignore everything else

The problem with "growing a thicker skin": that shouldn't be my responsibility
It is the responsibility of the person raping, the person making jokes about rape, the person silencing the experiences of those raped, to change

The problem with living in complete denial: I shouldn't have to

The problem with "changing things" and "sticking up for myself": the concept is literally terrifying, in that it fills me with terror
Like, I think about saying something to those kinds of people, saying how shit like that makes me feel, and it can basically go two ways:

• They can call me names and basically tear my identity and this thing I have to try so hard to maintain, my pride in who I am, because it's hard enough to just do that in a patriarchal society that tells you you are nothing, to shreds
• Or they can actually act like human beings and try to be civil about it but nonetheless completely misunderstand everything, maybe "explain" to me kindly how I am wrong, but by then I'd just be too exhausted with anxiety and anger that I just, I wouldn't have the energy to continue a stupid fucking internet argument
• I really can't imagine any other way it would go

What Anita Sarkeesian went through, what Adria Richards is going through
It just serves as a reminder that this is what happens when you speak out about something, no matter how brilliant or well-intentioned or careful not to tread on poor little straight cis men's toes you are
Like, this space is not for you.  You are not welcome here.  You are not human.
I made a  little video a year ago about how sexist my representative in Congress was, and I received some hate for that
I don't know how I did it back then.  Just the thought of doing it again this year is enough to make me feel lightheaded right now

(I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the internet follows the rules of the patriarchy, though
If women don't feel safe in the world, there is no reason to expect that we will feel safe on the internet, either
It's just sort of shocking how unsafe I feel)

What bothers me most about all of this is that people who joke about rape, people who have completely incorrect notions of feminism, people who have really problematic beliefs in general, also have the ability to completely dismiss any kind of rational dissent (ps, that ability is called "privilege")
They can just say "Oh, fullretard feminist" (direct quote) and dismiss anything I have to say because of my gender.  And because I fail to conform to their idea of what I have to be, given my gender.
And then they can actually act like the victim because someone infringed on their free speech or smth (except no, offering a different opinion is not actually censorship at all)
Or hide behind "it was a joke", or "don't take it so seriously"

Because my experiences don't mean anything
Because I'm a girl
No, worse
I'm a woman

Don't even get me fucking started on people that actually themselves MRAs, either.  I don't want to think about that today
And I realize that views can be changed, people can change, lots of people start of bigoted and end up alright, but do you realize how much effort that takes on the part of the educator?
I am not emotionally equipped to explain why rape jokes are not funny, or how it's actually, yes, racist to make generalizations about Asian people, or on and on and on and on until infinity
These are things that actually directly impact my life, sometimes in traumatizing ways,
and having to defend myself to you, defend my feelings to you, is not something I have the patience or the strength to do
It's not my responsibility to educate anybody or even "treat them with compassion"
I have no compassion for hatred and people consumed by it

I don't know
I've been reading more academic feminist shit recently and complaining about the lack of female representation in things, but if people in my community still think rape is totally valid joke fodder, it's completely ridiculous and premature to even think about any of that

I shouldn't have let something as stupid as a meme Facebook page get me so fucking down but it just made me remember how powerless I am and how fucked up everything still is